One is the loneliest number.

I am a single mother. I did not ask to be a single mother. I did not ask for my life to go in the direction that it has. I don't make a lot of money, I don't have a lot of support, I don't have much at all, except my kids. I love them to pieces and I would do anything in the world for them.

But one unexpected issue that I did not anticipate was my extreme loneliness. I sit here at home in my bed alone night after night. I use Second Life as a getaway, of course. However, 9 times out of 10, I am alone in Second Life, as well. I only have one friend in the same town where I live and she's newly married and doesn't have time. Plus, my children are hyperactive and loud. They're not quiet and I think it makes people nervous and/or anxious when they aren't used to all the noise and activity.

My alone time is invaluable. I am quite introverted but I still long for human interaction. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I love making people laugh. I crave it, honestly. But it's hard to crack a joke and receive a smile when there's no one around to give it. So I've taken to perusing various websites. It's like people shopping. Sadly, I've made some pretty lame and horrible purchases in the past. Not all were terrible, but most were icky.

The one thing they all had in common was the disinterest in me once the girls came into the picture. It goes without saying that I will never choose friends or a man over my children. But it would be nice to have someone to talk to that is an adult and doesn't watch Dora the Explorer or whine about us being out of Capri Sun.

Part of my reason for going to counseling is dealing with these new found emotions that I am not sure how to cope with accurately. His suggestions have led me to the internet where you can find tons of other single parents complaining of the same thing and no real answers. Sure, the obvious answer to the problem is to dump the kids off at a sitter and go out and make friends.

But what if you can't afford a sitter? Or what if all you need is to just talk to someone on the phone and hear a comforting voice? It's not such an easy solution then, is it?

Just trying to coordinate going out to eat with another adult person can be a taxing affair. Trying to arrange a dinner for a monthly Parent's Night Out is like trying to dock the space station sometimes. You can drop the kids off for a few hours, sure. But if your dinner companion is late, you have less time to visit and enjoy your meal or if they can't go or don't show, you're stuck with the only free 4 hours you'll have all month and nothing to do and no one to talk to.

People without kids and parents who have another parent in the household don't understand the difficulties of raising kids under the age of 12 alone. Some of the recommendations online are go to church.. mostly for the free child care.. which you have to stay at church to enjoy.. early on a Sunday morning.. with other church-going God-fearing people. Then there's the ever-popular "find something that you and child both enjoy" idea. Ok, but my kids like jumping into a ballpit and climbing all over a man dressed in a cowsuit. I might be on a freaky side a little bit but, sister, I ain't going there.

I am talking about getting away from the kids. Taking a break. Not treating them and listening to Soccer Mom of the Year chat on her cellphone, yell at her kids, speak to you in a stuttered speech as she wolfs down her burger at the local fast food joint.

Someone asked me the other day at work if the girls were going to visit their dad for the summer. I said yes and she replied with a "wow aren't you lucky" tone. I really wanted to tell her that shipping my kids off to their dad's house for 2 months is not how I really want to spend my summer, either. I still want the girls to be here with me. I don't want to go for days and weeks at a time without seeing them. I just wish I was able to afford a sitter once or twice a month for a few hours. But even if I could, I don't know anyone to go hang out with.

"Dating" has not been something I have been able to accomplish. First of all, everyone these days is poly amorous, and my opinions on that is another blog entry for another day. Secondly, none of them have children and seem apprehensive to get to know me once they find out I have kids. I know I am not the best thing to look at and there is a LOT of me to look at, trust me. I am not the smartest, most sophisticated creature on the planet, no, but I am friendly, try to be funny and I think I am generally a nice person. But then what happens? The ones who get past the gross exterior get to know me more and we develop a friendship until the kid thing comes into the picture and boom. No more contact from that person.

I guess I never thought that being a mom was such a turn off. I know kids can be annoying, especially when they're loud, messy and nosy. But come on.

Another issue I have is trying to not be jealous and envious when I hear people talking about vacations, traveling, going to parties, going out drinking, etc. I used to be spontaneous. I used to go and do things all of the time. I wouldn't want to go partying nightly or even weekly. But to have the financial opportunity would be awesome. Sadly, there's just no option for that at this time. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the tunnel grows longer and longer.

So, I figure that my time will come roughly around 2020 or 2022. That's when the girls will be 18. That's only 10 more years, right?

Surely I can hold off on building a support system, making friends and having a social life until then. Right?