Angry.

Shyness is something that I've always had to deal with my entire life. It has decreased in intensity as I've aged but it's not been easy. I work at it and struggle every day. I've seen other people have the same problems. Wanting to reach out and let them know they're not alone, I can't even brave that common ground to be the first to say something. I feared the rejection and humiliation.

Making friends seems to come so easily to some people. For me, it was always an obstacle and I lack the courage to extend myself beyond my comfort zone. My immediate thought is that people are only entertaining me as their so-called friend for shits and giggles. I figure the joke is on me.

So, the internet has proved to be a great place for introverted people like myself for meeting people and potentially making friends. I did so with the chat room and also in Second Life. I am not very technologically capable, mind you. But I am able to make a somewhat coherent sentence and get a thought across... sometimes. So when I see someone struggling in SL, I try to help out when I can. Not because I think I am so much better than they are, but because I, too, was in their situation and I also enjoy helping others. If I happen to make a friend out of the situation, that's just a bonus.

I had signed up to be a mentor in SL. No, I cannot build, script, animate, create textures in Photoshop or anything like that. But, I am friendly and helpful and I enjoy listening. I am also very patient and I knew some basics to SL (wearing clothes, detaching objects, how to teleport, etc). However, it was about the time my mother passed away that I found out I had been accepted into the mentorship program and I had to attend training sessions. Unfortunately, I was not in the mindset to do such a thing. So, I rescinded the mentor offer and thanked them for their time.

For some reason, I am reminded a bit of when I was in the 6th grade and a new girl was in our school. She was in my English class and Susan was her name. She had a very different look. She had extremely bulging eyes, her nose was pushed in and she had a very small mouth. I was never sure if she had Down's Syndrome or another type of issue. But she was very quiet and kept to herself. I realized about a week or so into the school year that the harassment I usually felt was less so. I wondered what was up until I saw the same bullies picking on Susan in the hallway. I was overcome with emotions that I had never felt before. I was enraged! Before I could stop myself, I stomped over and yelled at them to leave her alone. She had dropped one of her books in the fracas and I helped her pick up the book as the rude boys left her alone. She thanked me and then turned to walk off quickly.

I saw her the next day in my English class. She smiled at me and I smiled back. It was the first time anyone had smiled at me in school, other than the two friends I already had since the 4th grade (when I moved to the area). I knew then that I had to try to be her friend because I never saw her talking to anyone else. If she didn't like me, well, at least I had tried.

Susan had a different lunch period than I did so I was only able to talk to her inbetween classes. We never really said much, only commenting on classwork, school activities and the like. She never brought up other topics and I wasn't sure if I should. Although I look back now and wish I had asked her what music she liked, what kind of movies did she watch, etc. She was well dressed and had clothes that were obviously purchased at a nicer store like JC Penney or even Dillard's. I admit I felt a little intimidated by this because I always felt 10+ rungs lower on the ladder in my KMart attire. Maybe this is why I shied away from getting to know her better.

Near the end of the school year, Susan stopped coming to school. I never knew the reason why. I didn't know if she had moved or became ill. The teacher said Susan wouldn't be attending class at our school any longer. I felt a pang because I wished I'd asked her for a phone number. We certainly didn't have email or instant messaging in 1986.

I've made a few friends since then and had several acquaintances. I've always tried to do the right thing by my friends. I can be fiercely loyal because I appreciate their kindness towards me. However, I've also learned, especially in recent years, that while making a new friend is a wonderful and exciting experience, losing a friend is extremely upsetting. Even more so when there's no explanation, no reasoning, no words for why they chose to reject you.

I get angry with myself, I suppose, for caring so much about people. Even in SL and in the chat room I frequented for years, I worried about people that I came to know over time, even though we've never met. Sometimes they annoy or anger me with their shenanigans. Sometimes I am downright pissed and wonder if they're worth my time and effort. But we're all human and we all make mistakes. I just have to know where to push people off the doormat that is me. How can I be so blase about someone like Susan who really needed a friend and someone to talk to but give all of my time and energy and extreme effort to someone who dropped me like a hot potato simply because they couldn't deal with...whatever momentary insanity they had created inside their own head... twice? I guess the joke really was on me.

So, I really feel like I've taken a huge step backward in my attempts at being more outgoing and engaging. How can I trust people anymore? As much as I put out there about my real life self, I still hold back a great deal. I even hold things back from myself. I don't want to face the complete and total realizations of my life the majority of the time. I stay hidden in the fantasy world of SL and my imagination than to sort out the harsh sadness that I run from daily.

I guess that's what really pisses me off. Why do I have to be left with the burden of the final remnants of this friendship? How come I can't shrug it off so easily? I really need to take it and bury it for once and for all. Cover it with dirt and wave goodbye. It is time to move on and has been for a while.

So.. one of my main goals for this year is to be brave. It sounds dumb and very simple but it really means a lot. Especially for someone like me. I am too scared to do much of anything. I don't want to anger people because they seem to leave my life so easily. I don't want to push them away. However, I've learned that if I piss someone off unintentionally and they stop being friends with me, well, I guess they weren't much of a friend anyway. Then, in essence, they were weeded out and I won't have to waste time on them, which will allow more time to be spent on those who really deserve it.

I am so tired of life being difficult. I just wish things were easy-peasy and then we could all just get along and have a good laugh. :)